the jimmymac attack!

In the world of teaching and learning language there is what is known as 'language exchange'. So many people want to learn English here that some will go to great lengths to learn. Being an English teacher means there are a lot of people wishing to and willing to talk to you. Not necessarily because you are a charming, witty person but because you speak English. And it works both ways. I love to talk to Taiwanese people to learn about their culture and sometimes learn a little Chinese too. For several months I've done language exchange with 3 or 4 students. There is usually four of us at a 'Chinese class'. We meet in a restaurant and have dinner and talk for about 2 hours. Basically it's just hanging out to me but the focus is on language. These marvelous people have become my friends and helped me to go from 'hello' to 'may I have a steak please'. It is a huge leap for me. And I have helped them to learn useful words like 'escalator, sniffles, tea pot, and pepper'. It's been fun and interesting. Thank you my language exchange friends!

It's going to be hot and sunny today with a high of 35 degrees, that is 95 degrees Fahrenheit. It is hot. It is sunny. Bring a jacket and umbrella. In some buildings, stores and restaurants the air conditioning is so cold you need a jacket. And every day there is the possibility of rain. Also some of the ladies like to use an umbrella to protect them from the blazing sun. It's not a bad idea.

I had never experienced an earthquake until I came to Taiwan. I'm from Toronto, Canada and we do not have earthquakes. There was one in the 1980's but it was so small I did not know about it until the news reported it. In Taiwan I've experienced several earthquakes and about 3 typhoons. The typhoons have not been too bad. We get a lot of warning that they are coming. If it's bad we have a typhoon holiday and everyone is told to stay home. It's hardly any inconvenience in Taipei because stores like 7-Eleven and McDonald's stay open. The worst thing about the typhoons in Taipei is you might die of boredom. But earthquakes are another story. People tell me they get used to them and they don't bother them. I do not like them. You do not know when one will strike and you do not know how big it will be. To me it is not good for a twenty-five story solid brick building to shake and sway. You do not know when an earthquake will strike and you do not know how big it will be. I've been woken up at 3:00 am by my building shaking. It is not good. In 1999 Taiwan was hit by a large quake and 3,000 people died. It could happen again. Even if it happens only once in 20 years that is too much for me. No wonder few people lived here until the 20th century. Give me a cold, landlocked place over this shaking, windy tropical hot spot any day.

I went for a haircut tonight. I get one every month or two. This afternoon I went to a place I've gone to the last couple of times. The ladies were good. The place was empty. Totally vacant. Every fixture in the place has been removed. I don't know if they moved or went out of business. So I had to find another place.
I finally found one that looked good. Down an alley and around a corner. Very clean and only one customer in a chair. Three ladies talking. Only $250 NT. So I sit in the chair and the lady puts the apron around me. She puts it on so tight around my neck I have to try to loosen it. She fixes it. She does not speak any English and my fundamental Chinese is no help. She is going on and on talking to me anyway and making motions like she is going shave my head. I make motions with my fingers like scissors. Finally I decide to pull out my cell phone dictionary. My cell phone has a marvelous extra function. It has an electronic dictionary which translates English into Chinese and vice versa. In a pinch I can look up a word and show people the Chinese word. I punch in 'haircut'. It seems highly, highly unnecessary to me to do this when I'm sitting in a barber chair in a barber shop but I don't want my head shaved. The lady's assistant looks at my phone and reads it. There is a lot of laughter from the 3 ladies and the other customer. They probably also think it's ridiculous I should have to ask for a haircut under these circumstances. So I think this settles the matter. I guess the lady did not think so. I heard the customer mention the Chinese word for interpreter. I thought he was just talking. No. A man is suddenly standing beside me asking if I want my hair cut shorter. His English is not very good but he speaks much more than anyone else. I think he and his question are ridiculous and unnecessary. I tell him I do not want my hair to be longer. He tells the others and there is an eruption of laughter. I hope they got the joke. In the end I received a good haircut and all is well. It was a good experience and I guess I was some unexpected entertainment for them. Sometimes life is good...

Pork spare ribs are delicious when they are cooked right. They must be cooked a long time to make them tender and then lathered with barbecue or honey sauce. In America and Canada many people and restaurants know how to make good ribs. I have not had spare ribs for over one year. They are not popular in Taiwan. At least not cooked the American way. A couple of months ago I thought I was going to have them. I ordered them off the menu in what looked like a half decent restaurant. Instead of pork spare ribs I got beef short ribs. They were not very good but I ate it because I am used to not getting what I order in Taiwan and trying to fix it or argue is just too much trouble.
Last night I had an unhappy culinary experience involving spare ribs. I should know better but I fell for a beautiful picture. In a coffee shop - many coffee shops serve food - which means they heat prepared food in a microwave. I should know better but the picture looked so good! I ordered the pork spare ribs. When I got them they did look like the picture and they were pork. But as soon as I tried to cut into them I knew I'd made a mistake again. It was like trying to cut into a shoe. They were not cooked properly. I could not eat or tolerate this. I was not going to pay a lot to struggle with and eat something that was terrible. I decided to return it for something else. Well this is when I got another surprise. It seems in Taiwan people do not send food back. Not unless there is a cockroach in it. Wow! In Canada and America people routinely send food back if it's not cooked right or unsatisfactory. The Taiwanese way is to literally 'eat it' even if you are not happy with it. This explained a lot. People just accept bullshit and inferior service and products. That's life I guess they say. Wow. What an attitude. Live and learn. I will try to be careful but I'm sure I will be disappointed again and probably fall for another beautiful picture. And I can look forward to having some good ribs in America some day...

Tonight I was in a big department store at closing time around 10:00 pm. By chance I was going down ten floors on the escalator at closing time. Some music started playing and I was greeted at the bottom of the escalator at each floor by store clerks standing, bowing and greeting me. It seemed like a bizarre ritual. I don't know what the music was. Probably a Chinese 'good night my darling' or maybe the national anthem of Taiwan. I'm sure they probably do this every night. I doubt it was just for my benefit.
There was a famous department store in Canada that was in business for over 100 years. They also had many customs and rituals that were passed on through generations. In the 1970's and 1980's they began to cut back on the old ways. They cut back on staff and other things. Staff were laid off and they complained bitterly at the treatment they received after many years of service. Some of the fourth generation of the family running the store preferred to spend time at the race track. Customers began complaining there were no clerks to serve them. In the 1990's the store went out of business after over 100 years. The owners blamed competition.
Last week Toyota announced they are going to raise prices on their cars sold in America. Why? They are killing the competition Ford and GM. Toyota hybrid vehicles are selling second hand for more than they cost new. Just last year Ford finally decided to build a hybrid car. Last year Toyota overtook Ford as the number two auto maker in the world. But Toyota and the Japanese know it's better to try to appease the Americans. Even after raising prices they will probably still sell very well and maybe have more profit.
There are department stores in Taipei that have uniformed girls operating the elevators. The old store in Canada used to have the same. They cut back to save money. The old store in Canada has gone out of business while the stores in Taipei are doing booming business. What does it tell you?

In Asia you will find a lot of mangled English obviously written by people who are not fluent in English. It is everywhere. It always makes me wonder why they did not give an English speaking person a few dollars and get it done right. I'm not talking about whole books or newspaper articles. They are usually ok because they are written by professionals. I mean short lines on signs. It might be only three or four words but they manage to get it wrong. In the past two days in book stores I saw some good ones. In one store every section is labeled in Chinese and English although they do not have English books and probably one customer in 10,000 speaks English. So while looking for a book on travel I came across the 'Musick' section. I guess it is books on music to make you ill.
Tonight in another book store I saw a book with the large English title, "you must reading this book". Why I must reading this book I have no idea. The only English in the book was the title. The book is totally in Chinese. Now these are book publishers. People who should care about words. And if they are publishing books don't they have access to someone who speaks English so they get the book title correct? One of my theories is people who speak poor English are fooling people who speak no English. And the ones who speak no English don't know the difference.
I should not complain but I will anyway. If history had been different they could be using mangled Portuguese or German or French. But English is the most desired second language here and for people like me it is fantastic. Another practice that drives me crazy is their habit of putting English on the covers of books and magazines. Why do they do that? There is almost no English inside. So why put English on the cover? What purpose does it possibly serve? The only answer I can think of is they think English is cool and it helps to sell magazines and t shirts. Chalk up another one for us anglos.

There are about a million 7-Eleven stores in Taipei. Well, I exaggerate but there are a lot. I know one spot near the Taipei train station where you can stand and see four 7-Elevens. And then there are more 7-Elevens in the station that you cannot see from the street. I think there are 4 in the station. And 7-Eleven is great! I have been to one every day for the past year. Why are they great? Because they scan everything you buy with a wand scanner. I never have to talk to anyone. They scan your item with the wand and the price is shown on the cash register. It is so fast and easy. And the staff is trained to serve you as quickly as possible so purchases often take just seconds. To me this is brilliant. No small talk. No fawning over you to pretend they care about you. No awkward shifting and stuttering to try to speak English or stuttering and stammering by me trying to speak Chinese. Just a simple transaction! I want to buy, they want to sell - it is as simple as that. And everybody is happy! 7-Eleven is brilliant!

Way gwammy! way gwammy! If you are in Taipei for one day or more and go shopping or into stores like 7-Eleven you will be greeted by the shop workers yelling, 'way gwammy!'. Actually it is not way gwammy, it is more like way gwanley (I think). Many people have told me I say it wrong but it still sounds like 'way gwammy' to me. It is quite fascinating and unique to Taiwan as far as I know. I've made short trips to Hong Kong and China and never heard any 'way gwammy' from anyone. Anyway it is fairly harmless and sort of entertaining. I'll probably miss it when I leave. They also have another one that sounds like 'chez gwammy'. The way gwammy means welcome and chez gwammy is thank you for coming. I think we foreigners should start something. When they say chez gwammy when we leave we could say, 'catch you on the flip side'. It is ridiculous but to me its no more ridiculous than 'way gwammy'.
The really ridiculous part is they sometimes seem to put a lot more time and energy into shouting way gwammy than in serving the customers. I have seen 2 or 3 clerks standing around shouting way gwammy while 1 sad employee is manning the cash register. So everyone is getting greetings coming and going but then we have to stand and wait in line because there is only one cashier. I guess the brilliant bosses think its important to be greeted.

The bus driver is mad. There is no doubt about that. I would say it is a little known fact except it is really an unknown fact. However I have figured it out. I believe what happens is something like this. The bus driver has a cousin who is a resident of a hospital for the criminally insane. Somehow the cousin I will call Whacko Wang slips out of the insane asylum a couple of days a week. Then he meets his cousin the bus driver. They change clothes and Whacko then takes his cousin's place and drives the bus for the afternoon. It's a win/win for them. The bus driver gets the afternoon off to spend with his girlfriend and Whacko gets to drive through the streets of Taipei like the deranged lunatic that he is. I do not wish to slander deranged lunatics. I'm sure they are very nice people in their own way. But although it is win/win for Whacko and the bus driver it is a big LOSE for me and anyone else who unfortunately gets on bus 245 from Banqiao to Taipei in the afternoon. Whacko loves to drive fast and weave in and out of traffic. It does not help that the bus is old and rattling and falling apart as we fly through the streets. One of his tricks that is really infuriating for me is when he floors it to speed down the street when he only has 1/2 a block to go. Anyone could see that traffic is stopped at the red light ahead. But Whacko is not anyone. He floors it as I try to find a seat. Then as we approach 50 mph in 5 seconds he starts to hit the brakes. Now I am being hurled in the other direction. If he has 10 feet of day light to the next car he is hitting the gas again. So this is how we proceed through the streets of Banciao on the way to Taipei. The seats are rattling, the windows are shaking. One day I was splashed with what I thought was a big cup of water or soda. Looking around my seatmates and I realized it was a load of water from the air conditioner above. The seats were drenched. So although the bus was full a couple of seats sat empty and soaking wet when we ran for dry space. Life on the 245 is never boring. The rattling, shaky bus and Whacko Wang take care of that.

It is a real contest to decide what is the most disgusting thing in Taiwan. The cockroaches? The rats? The men whose teeth are falling out from chewing betel nuts? The stinky tofu? The cesspool they call Banqiao night market? They are all surpassed by one thing I discovered my first week here. They ask you everywhere to put your toilet paper in the garbage can - and not in the toilet. Why? Good question. If the toilet is not for excrement and toilet paper then I don't know what it is for. I imagine they had some instances where toilets got clogged up. So in their usual over reaction they decided no one should put toilet paper in the toilets. I find it is really disgusting to put toilet paper, which is of course fouled by smelly, dirty human excrement, in the garbage can. This must be very unhygenic! However they have not thought of that or don't care. Taiwan is planning on buying billions of dollars of more military weaponry from the USA. That is ok for the Taiwanese but to fix the toilets seems to be beyond their ability.
Now this whole thing is very very disgusting and it gets worse. Do you want to know how they dispose of this feces covered paper? Wrap the bags up, double bag them and throw it in a garbage bin? No. They leave the bags in the container and pick the paper out with long tongs that are often used in restaurants. This has got to be unhygenic. Wont the filth get on the tongs sometimes? Of course it must. If you're not completely grossed out now imagine this. Somewhere in Taipei there is a place where they wash the tongs and sometimes they mix up the tongs from the kitchen and the toilet... You see? Those tongs serving your food were previously used to pick up the feces covered toilet paper. aaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!

The other day, Monday June 6 I started a class at 1:30. Five minutes later the sound of a jack hammer coming through the wall erupted ten or fifteen feet away. Not one of my three students even blinked an eye. No one made a comment about it. At times I could not hear them speak. However this is just normal in Taiwan. There have been days I hear this noise at home at my apartment and then I hear it at work when I'm there. Many buildings here are built of poured concrete. This makes them very strong and able to withstand earthquakes. That is good because if you've felt an earthquake you know it's important to have a solid building. But why don't they also install some pipes or other conduits to allow future installation of plumbing and wiring. When they need to install wiring or plumbing they are always pulling out the jack hammers and blasting away for what seems like hours.
Noise is everywhere in Taipei. The other day I was walking in the popular shopping district Ximen with a friend. When speaking right into my ear while walking along I could not hear what she was saying.
Another day I had lunch in a little Taiwanese restaurant. It seems they do not like peace and quiet. Although I was the only customer and the place was fairly quiet the staff took care of that anomaly. They were talking to each other which is very normal. But talking is not the correct word. They were screaming at each other. I don't think they were fighting. It is just their way to scream at each other when they could have had something like a civilized conversation. There was no regard for me - I'm just a customer. If I don't like it there are hundreds of other customers who will find their behaviour normal. Noise. Noise pollution. What a place.

I love the Taiwanese people. Well that is a little strong I guess. But I do like them. I like a lot of them. Everywhere in the world I think most people are good. That includes Taiwan of course. Certainly there are some bad ones but I think for the most part the Taiwanese are hard working, honest people. They wish to do better, help their families and live happy lives. Why not? It's just what most people around the world want. Bless them. Some of the nicest, kindest people I've ever met have been here in Taiwan. The good ones will do almost anything for you. Sometimes I feel like I traded a big, modern English speaking city for a big, modern Chinese speaking city. Many things are the same or very similar. When coming over I brought a certain toilet supply I thought might be hard to find. I got here and not only found the product but actually found the identical brand in the same packaging. The only difference is the package has Chinese writing. People are people. They go to work, commute, shop, spend time with their kids. The teenagers hang out, listen to music on their MP3 players and horse around on the buses and subway. That is life in the 21st century. The world is shrinking. We English speaking people here are so spoiled. Hollywood movies come out here when they are released in America. And they are shown exactly like home except they have Chinese subtitles. So here in Taiwan I get to watch the movie and listen while everybody else in the audience must read the subtitles. Taiwan is great! I love it.

I recently had a day off and went on a day trip with a friend. I have spent almost all of my time in Taiwan in Taipei so I havn't seen much of the country. We took a train to Taoyuan which is actually quite close. It only took 40 minutes on the train but there's some nice places there and we were going to see some flowers and ride in kayaks and just have a relaxing day. When we arrived apparently there was no bus going to our destination. There were however about 30 taxi drivers willing to take us for a price. My friend is Taiwanese and I was letting her make all decisions since I could not communicate with anyone except her anyway. We got back on the train and went to another stop. This time we went into the tourist information office in the train station. There were 2 or 3 people in the office. My friend ended up talking at length to one guy. It turned out he was a taxi driver. Well again I let her make the decisions which was a mistake. The taxi driver was very persistent and my friend is easily swayed. It ended up in a haggle over the fair. He wanted 500 NT and she wanted to pay 400. I finally chose to go look for another taxi - there were 20 more outside. Well then the driver 'caved' and said ok, 400. My friend smiled and said, 'we win'. Like in the USA everyone is either a winner or loser in Taiwan. Yes, we won alright. When we got to the place and the taxi driver took off it turned out he left us at the bottom of the huge resevoir. To get to the resevoir and the kayaks and park would have been about a forty-five minute walk in the blazing sun and 32 degree temperature. We were in the middle of an ugly nowhere. No more taxis, no buses, no nothing. It was sad and depressing. Maybe the taxi driver thought he 'won'. He only got 400 but he did not have to drive the extra distance to where we wanted to go. Some people go the extra mile and some don't. Whatever happened we actually lost and I think really Taiwan and Taiwan tourism loses. If this is how tourists are treated no wonder Taiwan is not a hot tourism destination. In the end we just quit and took a bus back home again. It was all too much trouble to try to see something nice in Taiwan. And our special day off was a little disappointing. :-(